Funny Geezer Books
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Geezerhood
Geezerhood. . . What to expect from life now that you're as old as dirt
If the bags under your eyes are larger than your shoes, if your wife has more hair on her face than you do on your head, if you both can sleep soundly and irritate the other drivers on the road... you need this book.
Written by Ben Goode
104 pages / Paperback
$6.95 U.S.
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Some Thing are Worse than Being Older than Dirt
Some Things are Worse than Being Older than Dirt
Ben Goode returns to one of his favorite topics: Geezing. In this classic work of humor you can learn how to maintain a good attitude after the world has hurled your decrepit body, or the body of someone you know, onto the trash heap of life.
Written by Ben Goode
104 pages / Paperback
$6.95 U.S.
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So You Think You Can Geezer
So You Think You Can "Geezer"
Instructions for becoming the Geezer you have always dreamed of. Geezing is not as easy as it looks. It’s definitely not for sissies. That’s why God made geezers out of people who have plenty of experience and maturity. Those who couldn’t handle it he eventually turns into senior citizens. No, geezing is tough.
Written by Ben Goode
96 pages / Paperback
$6.95 U.S.
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Reader reviews
“Ben Goode has a way of putting his ABCs together that really tells it like it is for us old folks. Plus, he has the same first name as I do. Did I mention that I recently lost my dentures and found them two weeks later in a PBJ sandwich I have been working on for a while? I'd still be looking if it weren't for Ben's Geezer books and my old dog Abraham” - Ben Jammin

“As the last tomato on the vine, so to speak, I find Mr. Goode's books to be a marvelous guide to outliving all of my poor, bladder control challenged, texture enhanced, snow white capped, shuffle stepped friends. I, on the other hand, haven't a single wrinkle, gray hair, or recent night in diapers to my name. It's marvelous! It's the best gift my late 5th husband could have left me." - April Albumen

“Can anyone remember where I live? I've been stuck here at this truck stop in Nevada for a while. All they have to read are these books about old people. They are not too bad. You can tell that somebody has a really twisted sense of humor towards senior citizens.” - John Quincy Adams

“I don't see what the big deal is about getting old. First, people start bugging you about how you drive, how you dress, and how loud you talk. Hey, just because I parked my car in the road like that doesn't mean I have to give up the keys. Then, they think you can't remember anything. And I'm not giving up the keys just because I parked in the road. And, yes, I always talk this loud.” - Sam Hagar
Sample Tidbits from our Geezer Books
Sample from Geezerhood
Chapter 7: Retirement Planning: An Exercise in Fossility and an Economic Oxymoron, Moron
Just like passing a series of mammoth Gaul stones or having your lips run over by a train, planning for your retirement can be fun. Fun, yes of course, but it can also be complicated. And so, to make planning for your retirement easier, we have prepared this information. Thanks to all of this work that we’ve done, you can expect relief very soon. I figure that about the same time the urinals in the county building start singing “Unchained Melody,” your financial worries will begin to go away.

Of course I’m probably joking here, but you should know that there is really no “solution per se” for the problem of how to plan for retirement. As you get older, as we have already discussed, your mind is sliding into senility, and your aging body is turning to compost. Unfortunately your financial condition will experience a parallel deterioration.

Don’t panic! This economic slide is perfectly natural and happens for a number of reasons. . . reasons many so called financial experts regularly try to explain. Due to the fact that after all these years of planning I’m still financially disadvantaged (mostly because I have religiously followed my financial experts’ advise) I feel I am as qualified as anyone to explain this phenomenon. Here’s my shot at it:

First, if you have children, you know that the amount of money that it takes to raise them increases exponentially with their age. To illustrate, a look at Christmas may be instructive.

When your child was two years old, you could buy literally hundreds of presents in a toy store for 20 dollars. For twenty crummy bucks, along with all of the free stuff you got from grandma, you could keep a 2-year-old happily unwrapping blocks and plastic dinosaurs from 4 A.M. until 10 P.M., or until they lost interest and left to eat the cat’s food.

A few years later, when this same child was eleven years old, it cost many thousands of dollars in order to provide this same avaricious high. You had to buy stereos, video games, and other electronic items. You had to pay for trendy, designer-label clothing, each sock costing enough to supply a two year old with toys for a year.

Finally, after your child moved out on his or her own, when logic told you that your Christmas expense should go down, the old exponential multiplying factor again entered into play. In addition to the thousands of dollars that you now had to spend on tuition, computer systems and damage to cars, you had to also add holiday season airfares and long distance telephone bills.
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Apricot Press
Old Farts Blog
PART 277: On Blogging
Geezer Sam Yes, we are now blogging. (Notice that we use the pronoun, “we”. We do this because we want to acknowledge the valuable contributions of the voices in our head and keep them happy. (So far throwing them a bone like this seems to minimize their tendencies toward subterfuge, and mean-spiritedness.) Having resisted the urge to blog for many years, we have finally succumbed to the changing financial markets and the need to make some actual money in this rotten economy.

Travel to exotic places where our books are displayed like Grand Canyon, Vegas, Yellowstone Park, and Battle Mountain, Nevada (town motto: Who are you and what do you want?) is down substantially from a few years ago, which has adversely affected our loyal readers’ ability to get to our books. We are therefore bound and determined to bring bits of humor to our readers via the blog. We are doing this partly because we want to try to generate some money, but mainly because we want to reduce the time some of our loyal readers have on their hands with which they are free to do more devious and destructive things. We know our readers (don’t we voices).

So we hope you will enjoy these bits of thought and odd perspectives. Our intent is to try to bring a guffaw or two into your otherwise strange and bizarre lives, not to just make people confused or angry as has sometimes been alleged. Therefore, if you enjoy these blogging bits, please feel free to share them with friends; if you don’t enjoy them, feel free to keep it to yourself.

A brief note to you other technophobes out there, who will now be angry with me because you believe I have sold out going on line. I’m not the only author who has sold out.

In fact, I should probably point out that some pretty famous, hard-core authors and artists have eventually sold out just like me. Take for example, J.R.R. Tolkein who sold the movie rights to his trilogy a few years ago from his casket in south central England, making for himself and family literally billions of dollars while sacrificing the integrity of his books only slightly to the editors, artists, and screenwriters interpretations of his work. Okay, I know some of you will insist that Tolkein, himself, had been dead for a number of years before his greedy, grasping heirs compromised his integrity when they sold the movie rights for billions, and that you might be OK with me selling out for billions, and that possibly even YOU would sell out if you thought you could make that kind of money, while Ben Goode is selling out for what amounts to chickens feed in the literary world. In fact, because he is such a dipstick around technology, it’s entirely possible that Ben Goode will fizzle in his attempt to sell out on line, making it all the more pathetic…to which I would respond, “you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny.”
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