Funny Geezer Books
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Geezerhood
Geezerhood. . . What to expect from life now that you're as old as dirt
If the bags under your eyes are larger than your shoes, if your wife has more hair on her face than you do on your head, if you both can sleep soundly and irritate the other drivers on the road... you need this book.
Written by Ben Goode
104 pages / Paperback
$6.95 U.S.
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Some Thing are Worse than Being Older than Dirt
Some Things are Worse than Being Older than Dirt
Ben Goode returns to one of his favorite topics: Geezing. In this classic work of humor you can learn how to maintain a good attitude after the world has hurled your decrepit body, or the body of someone you know, onto the trash heap of life.
Written by Ben Goode
104 pages / Paperback
$6.95 U.S.
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So You Think You Can Geezer
So You Think You Can "Geezer"
Instructions for becoming the Geezer you have always dreamed of. Geezing is not as easy as it looks. It’s definitely not for sissies. That’s why God made geezers out of people who have plenty of experience and maturity. Those who couldn’t handle it he eventually turns into senior citizens. No, geezing is tough.
Written by Ben Goode
96 pages / Paperback
$6.95 U.S.
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Reader reviews
“Ben Goode has a way of putting his ABCs together that really tells it like it is for us old folks. Plus, he has the same first name as I do. Did I mention that I recently lost my dentures and found them two weeks later in a PBJ sandwich I have been working on for a while? I'd still be looking if it weren't for Ben's Geezer books and my old dog Abraham” - Ben Jammin

“As the last tomato on the vine, so to speak, I find Mr. Goode's books to be a marvelous guide to outliving all of my poor, bladder control challenged, texture enhanced, snow white capped, shuffle stepped friends. I, on the other hand, haven't a single wrinkle, gray hair, or recent night in diapers to my name. It's marvelous! It's the best gift my late 5th husband could have left me." - April Albumen

“Can anyone remember where I live? I've been stuck here at this truck stop in Nevada for a while. All they have to read are these books about old people. They are not too bad. You can tell that somebody has a really twisted sense of humor towards senior citizens.” - John Quincy Adams

“I don't see what the big deal is about getting old. First, people start bugging you about how you drive, how you dress, and how loud you talk. Hey, just because I parked my car in the road like that doesn't mean I have to give up the keys. Then, they think you can't remember anything. And I'm not giving up the keys just because I parked in the road. And, yes, I always talk this loud.” - Sam Hagar
Sample Tidbits from our Geezer Books
Sample from Geezerhood
Chapter 7: Retirement Planning: An Exercise in Fossility and an Economic Oxymoron, Moron
Just like passing a series of mammoth Gaul stones or having your lips run over by a train, planning for your retirement can be fun. Fun, yes of course, but it can also be complicated. And so, to make planning for your retirement easier, we have prepared this information. Thanks to all of this work that we’ve done, you can expect relief very soon. I figure that about the same time the urinals in the county building start singing “Unchained Melody,” your financial worries will begin to go away.

Of course I’m probably joking here, but you should know that there is really no “solution per se” for the problem of how to plan for retirement. As you get older, as we have already discussed, your mind is sliding into senility, and your aging body is turning to compost. Unfortunately your financial condition will experience a parallel deterioration.

Don’t panic! This economic slide is perfectly natural and happens for a number of reasons. . . reasons many so called financial experts regularly try to explain. Due to the fact that after all these years of planning I’m still financially disadvantaged (mostly because I have religiously followed my financial experts’ advise) I feel I am as qualified as anyone to explain this phenomenon. Here’s my shot at it:

First, if you have children, you know that the amount of money that it takes to raise them increases exponentially with their age. To illustrate, a look at Christmas may be instructive.

When your child was two years old, you could buy literally hundreds of presents in a toy store for 20 dollars. For twenty crummy bucks, along with all of the free stuff you got from grandma, you could keep a 2-year-old happily unwrapping blocks and plastic dinosaurs from 4 A.M. until 10 P.M., or until they lost interest and left to eat the cat’s food.

A few years later, when this same child was eleven years old, it cost many thousands of dollars in order to provide this same avaricious high. You had to buy stereos, video games, and other electronic items. You had to pay for trendy, designer-label clothing, each sock costing enough to supply a two year old with toys for a year.

Finally, after your child moved out on his or her own, when logic told you that your Christmas expense should go down, the old exponential multiplying factor again entered into play. In addition to the thousands of dollars that you now had to spend on tuition, computer systems and damage to cars, you had to also add holiday season airfares and long distance telephone bills.
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Apricot Press
Old Farts Blog
PART 276: Geezing Through an Election Year
Geezer Sam Here we are, neck-deep in election year ‘hoopla’ with 13 months left to go until it’s over. If you change some letters around, you might come closer to identifying the real substance we are surrounded by. However, that may be a topic for another day. Today we must consider how to “Geeze” through an election year.

Considering that there are nearly 40 million people in the US who identify themselves with the Geezer crowd, you would think political candidates would be falling all over themselves to gain their confidence, support, and votes. Am I right, or am I right? Oh there’s the usual talk about social security and medicare. But, like true politicians, they are confused about how to go about building bridges to somewhere useful. They need help. So, here are two “Geeze” initiatives that are guaranteed to get your favorite politician into office hopefully out of the cash drawer.

Occupy the Internet. Do you already spend a good chunk of the day forwarding hundreds of propaganda emails to your family and friends? With some slight tweaking, these emails can swing the next election. Simply take all of the emails you get about pharmaceuticals and change the names of the pills to the name of your candidate of choice. Then take all of the emails you get about politics and insert a link to those ‘unmentionable’ web sites somewhere in the email (you’ll have to close one eye and look in your email trash). Seniors are the best suited for this kind of dirty work because you will forget all of that trashy business by tomorrow anyway. Once these links are set, copy everyone in your address book and click “send all”. All of your favorite politicians will sail through the internet gaining contributions from countless new followers age 55 and older. Everyone else will suddenly have a lot of explaining to do, and/or spend the rest of the election cycle getting out of the SPAM filters.

Next, dress up like your favorite political talking head every bank holiday until November, 2012. Why, you ask? It’s a well know fact that political talking heads (PTHs) love, love, love, to see themselves everywhere – on TV, online, on the sides of buses, on buildings, everywhere. That’s why they do what they do, let’s face it. So, to show them our complete and total support, it’s only fitting to give them what they want. Some people would disagree and say they just want money. Those people are a bit slow because the talking heads will get boat loads of money from the pharmaceutical email initiative we talked about a minute ago, courtesy of our favorite candidates. (Tell your slower friends that Geraldo is on and it’s time for a nap.) Back to dressing up...When the PTHs see millions of old people walking around with saggy knee-high hose, high-water pants, with huge PTH heads on top, they will be moved to tears and begin supporting candidates and initiatives benefiting senior voters.

Ah yes, you will be part of something big. They will say that the “Arab Spring” has given way to the “Senior Citizen Fall.” People will chant “I’ve fallen and I’m getting up to Washington.” It’s your senior moment, seize it.
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